Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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