believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
