I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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