I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
