Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
