You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
