Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
