i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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