I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
