I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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