So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
