i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
