we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
