My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
