Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
