I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
