my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
