i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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