He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
