My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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