i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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