please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Randomize
