she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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