I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
