Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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