why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
