now i know why i became what i already was.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
