I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
