guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
