i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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