That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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