Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
