dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize