I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
