I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
