Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
