not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
