i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Too much gin, very little bucket
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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