I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
