tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
It's like God shit irony all over that family
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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