I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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