11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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