Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
