just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
