So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
