Don't make out with my wife yet
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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