I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
