Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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