Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
