if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
