3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I want to make a zoo with you.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
