im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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