I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
