my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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